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Confusion Setting In - Paradox, Humor, and Change

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May 15th, 2006

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10:35 pm - Confusion Setting In
The rain just came thundering down. It was quiet in my room and then suddenly it got very loud. Like the ocean. Wow, it sure knows how to rain here.

I told her I'm on the verge. "The verge of what?" she's supposed to ask. Oh, for fucks sake... Do I have to do everything myself?

I'm on the verge.

*My best Eva* "The verge of what?"

Ecstasy. Misery. Hey, it's a fine line.

Some fuckwad I know wished me a happy mothers day. Twice. What, just because I have a uterus that means I'll one day be a mother? That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard. Note to self: Get a hysterectomy.

And why are people so blown away when I say that I never want to get married or have children? Like that's the point of life or something. How fucking primitive: "Urgh! Let's mate! Me have nice cave for you to live in!" To be fair, I am open to the very slight possibility that I might one day find someone worthy of marrying(and by worthy I mean someone patient/stubborn enough to keep loving me through all my moods), I'm just not set on it or anything.

I know the last two paragraphs seem bitchy and cynical, I just get so frustrated by people who are so damn conventional.

Vivaldi kicks ass. Don't get me wrong, I still worship at the alter of Beethoven. The Kreutzer still owns my soul. Some people don't get it. It's just that it describes me perfectly, mood for mood. Frantic, comical, mischievous... Hello, this is me talking out of my ass.

I finally started taking piano lessons. I had my first lesson last Wednesday and I've hardly practiced at all. My violin wont let me. It's mocking me in its case right now, I can hear it. Luckily the piano isn't as demanding and I find that even after a few days I can easily pick up where I left off, since it's just the basics for now.

Not so with the violin. I get despondent if I miss even one day of practice and yet I dread taking the violin out of its case. I guess I just don't like getting my ass handed to me on a daily basis. Oh well. A little humility wouldn't kill me.

And finally, a picture of me getting my ass handed to me.

If you have any questions I've got got some answers. They just might not be the answers to your questions. Sorry.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: "Winter" - Antonio Vivaldi

(5 comments | Leave a comment)


Date:May 16th, 2006 08:08 am (UTC)
you look so professional and serious. hee. you rock. (literally).


[User Picture]
Date:May 17th, 2006 11:08 pm (UTC)
I think people just want life to be easy, and wrapped up in a pretty package for them. That includes a house with a white picket fence, a hubby who goes off every morning to make money for wifey's diamonds (meanwhile sleeping with his coworker, and wifey most likely knows it but won't dare leave him for it), and two bratty children who constantly make the family dog squirm.

So when you come in with your "crazy" notions of NOT wanting a cookie-cutter life like everyone expects you to have, it gets their panties in a twist. Part of me secretly wishes I wasn't getting married, just so I could make the point that I don't HAVE to get married to have a happy, fulfilling life. But I think I'm throwing things off well enough by doing it backwards - living with him for forever BEFORE committing my life. Meh. I'm convinced most women my mother's age are jealous of our freedom to make decisions like yours. And jealousy makes people say jackass things.

There IS a fine line between ecstasy and misery. I'm convinced that line is called Music.

You look absolutely wonderful in that photo. I want to hear your violin playing!!
[User Picture]
Date:May 18th, 2006 07:23 pm (UTC)
So you're on the verge of something both great and horrible... Should I be worried or happy for you?

Wow, people are dumb. But hey, you do look pregnant. Fatty! ;p

It's funny that so many people believe that love is the point of life. There are so many other things in life that are just as important and interesting as that.

Yay for Vivaldi and piano lessons with crazy piano teacher!

The violin has stolen your soul...and it shows in the picture. ;)

[User Picture]
Date:May 21st, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
cool, action violin photos :)

Good luck with the piano lessons!
[User Picture]
Date:May 22nd, 2006 03:04 pm (UTC)
I love that picture.

People are all about convention it seems. I notice this because I have a child and quite often I get asked when I will get married so someone can take care of she and I...because lord knows I'm not capable of doing it now, I mean the last 7 years must be a fluke. Eh. Marriage is nice when it works, I've seen great marriages, but when it doesn't it's soooo bad, so why are people always wanting others to do it in a rush? Bah. Though I am going to be conventional when I say I do love being a mother, but I still tell people not to have children.

P.S. That birthday boy I mentioned has a Vivaldi violin peice as the ring you hear when you call him. It's one of the first things that impressed me about him. Ack.

P.P.S While I totally support your single, childless life, you are so utterly adorable that I pity the boys who are prolly falling over you. If I were a boy I would.

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